Diwali with an autistic child: tips for festivals, weddings and family functions

A festival asks a child to cope with almost everything at once: the dhol, the band and the loudspeaker; crowds pressing close; incense, cooking and cracker smoke; flashing lights and scratchy new clothes; several late nights in a row, with school shut and guests staying. Then come the relatives, who expect a hug, an answer and a child who sits through a long lunch of unfamiliar food. Many autistic children can manage one or two of these on an ordinary day; the difficulty is the stack of them.

The aim is not to keep the child away from the celebrations but to take enough out of the stack that they can enjoy the part that matters: fewer events, shorter stays, a quieter corner and a known way home. The everyday sensory plan behind this, which starts from the occupational therapist's advice, is in sensory processing at home and school.

An event the child already knows is much smaller than one that arrives as a surprise. Start about two weeks ahead for a wedding or a big festival, and a few days ahead for a smaller visit.

1. Choose which events the child will attend, and for how long: the one or two that matter most, not every function.
2. Collect photographs of the venue, the hosts and the food; last year's family videos, watched with the sound low, show what a baraat or garba night looks like.
3. Write a short social story about the day and read it together at calm times.
4. Make a visual plan for the day: getting ready, the drive, the part the child will join, food, the quiet room, going home.
5. Rehearse the greeting: a namaste or a wave instead of a hug or touching feet, practised with a parent playing the aunt.
6. Give the child a job, such as handing out sweets or lighting diyas with an adult: a reason to be there, and a natural moment to step away.
7. Let the child wear the new clothes at home in short spells, with the labels cut out.
8. If the occupational therapist has recommended ear defenders, practise with them at home during something the child enjoys.

Visual schedules and social stories at home shows how to make the plan and write the story. Tell the hosts your plan, too: that you will arrive early, may leave early, and would be grateful for a quiet room.

Plan the way out before the way in. Agree before leaving home who will take the child out, and where to: the car, parked where it can leave, a room at the venue, or a bedroom at a relative's home agreed with the host. Two vehicles let one parent leave with the child while the other stays for the ceremony.

Arrive early, before the crowd and the music build, and leave before the peak. Agree a signal the child can use when it is getting too much: a card, a word, a squeeze of the hand. If your child communicates with pictures or a device, bring them; a function is exactly when they will be needed. Ear defenders go on before the noise starts, not once the child is upset.

Feed the child before you go and bring familiar food in a tiffin, since the meal may come hours late and look like nothing they know. Protect sleep with a nap before a late evening, and do not expect the child to stay up for the pheras or the fireworks. Plan a stay short enough to end well.

Most relatives want the child to enjoy the day and do not know what helps. A message in the family WhatsApp group a few days before does more than an explanation at the door. How much to say about a diagnosis is the parents' decision; a sentence about what helps is usually enough. These lines work well.

• Before the day: 'He finds crowds and loud music hard. We will come for the puja and leave before dinner. If he goes to the back room, please let him be.'
• At the door: 'She says hello with a wave. She would rather not be hugged, but she is very happy to see you.'
• When someone asks why the child does not talk: 'He understands more than he says. Ask him about his cars.'
• When someone presses food on the child: 'Thank you. We have brought his food; he eats best with what he knows.'
• When someone says the child will get used to the noise: 'He is getting used to it from a distance, in his own time.'
• When you leave early: 'We are leaving while it is going well. Thank you for having us.'

Then choose the adult who notices: for each hour of the function, one adult whose only job is to watch the child and take them to the quiet room at the first signs of overload. A grandparent, an older cousin or anyone the child trusts can take a turn, so both parents get some of the celebration. At a crowded function, a child everyone is watching is often a child nobody is watching. Advice from visiting relatives is also far easier to set aside when the adults at home already share one consistent plan.

Crackers are the part of Diwali parents ask about most, and they last well beyond one night, returning at weddings, cricket wins and New Year. Some autistic children find the sound painful at any distance; others love the lights and want to be close; and it can change from one year to the next.

• Timing: know when your neighbourhood's loudest hour usually is, and be indoors in the quietest room, with something absorbing to do, before it begins.
• Distance: offer the lights without the noise, from a balcony, a high window or the far side of the park.
• Warning: before the family lights anything, tell the child and count down, so the bang is expected.
• Windows: shut them and draw the curtains on the peak nights, which also keeps out the smoke.
• Ear defenders or headphones: on before the noise begins, where the occupational therapist has advised them, with familiar music alongside.
• The child's choice: ask whether they want to watch from the window or stay inside, and accept that evening's answer.

Relatives sometimes suggest keeping a frightened child close so they get used to it. Decline politely: a child who has been overwhelmed once has more reason to dread the next evening. If a fear of loud noises spreads into the rest of the year, raise it with the occupational therapist or psychologist.

Many children are tired and unsettled for a day or two after a big occasion; that is the cost of the effort they made, not a sign the plan failed. Keep the day after quiet: the usual waking time, familiar food, no visits, time outdoors, an early night. If school reopens soon after, a note to the class teacher or shadow teacher that it has been a big week makes the first morning back gentler.

Skip the post-mortem, at least in front of the child. Going over what went wrong, or comparing them with a cousin who sat through the whole wedding, teaches a child only that the occasion was a test they failed. Look at photographs of the good moments together instead, and note privately what worked and when the day turned, so next year's plan starts from evidence rather than memory.

A special educator who knows the child can do much of this preparation with you: the social story, the visual plan, rehearsing the greeting and the job, and practising the signal and the ear defenders in ordinary sessions. They can brief grandparents and the rest of the household, with a parent present, so the plan is not only the parents' word against a relative's. Where the child has a shadow teacher, the same preparation covers school celebrations such as the Diwali assembly or the Christmas concert.

If you would like the special educator to come to a function for an hour, agree it in writing beforehand, including the hours and who is responsible for the child at each point. Afterwards they record what happened for the occupational therapist and psychologist. Special Minds introduces vetted special educators and shadow teachers to families in Mumbai, Delhi NCR, Bengaluru, Hyderabad, Chennai, Kolkata, Pune and Ahmedabad; it does not provide occupational therapy or psychological services.