Social skills in ABA: play, turn-taking and friendship, without forcing eye contact

For a long time, many ABA programmes taught social behaviour as a checklist: look at the speaker, keep hands still, say hello in a set phrase, answer questions on cue. Children could become very good at the checklist and still have no friends, or be worn out by the effort of performing it all day.

Autistic adults have been clear about the cost. The Autistic Self Advocacy Network argues that ABA still aims at 'making an autistic child look and act non-autistic', and that behaviours people use to regulate themselves have been treated as problems. Many autistic adults describe masking, hiding their natural ways of moving, speaking and reacting in order to fit in, and say it is exhausting and harmful. Researchers within the field have also weighed concerns about compliance and masking, and recommend goals chosen with the client, attention to the child's assent, and positive reinforcement.

Contemporary practice has moved towards goals that matter to the child rather than goals that make other people more comfortable. The BACB's Ethics Code lists compassion, dignity and respect among its core principles, which is a useful test for any social goal.

Many autistic people say that looking into someone's eyes is uncomfortable, distracting or even painful, and that they listen better when they look elsewhere. Training a child to hold eye contact can teach them to perform attention rather than pay it, and can make conversation harder, not easier.

What matters is whether your child can show they are with you in a way that works for them: turning towards you, pausing what they are doing, answering, coming over, or looking at the thing you are both talking about. Teachers can be told this directly. A line in your child's school profile such as 'She listens best when she is not looking at you' saves a lot of misunderstanding.

The same goes for greetings. In many Indian families children are expected to say namaste, touch elders' feet, or accept hugs and cheek-pinches from every visiting aunty. You can teach a greeting your child is comfortable with, such as a wave or folded hands, and explain to relatives that this is your child's way. Forcing physical contact teaches a child that their own signals do not count, which is the opposite of what body safety teaching needs.

• Holding eye contact for a set number of seconds
• Stopping harmless stimming, such as flapping or rocking, so the child looks 'normal'
• Accepting hugs or touch the child does not want
• Giving up a special interest because it seems odd to others
• Scripted small talk that serves no purpose for the child
• Sitting through loud gatherings without breaks

If any of these appear as goals in your child's plan, ask why, and ask for them to be rewritten. Stimming that causes injury is different, and is a question for the analyst and occupational therapist together.

The best social goals make a child's life easier and more enjoyable, now and later. They are written with you and, as your child gets older, with your child. The table gives examples of areas many families choose.

Self-advocacy deserves a special place. A child who can say 'too loud', 'I need a break' or 'I don't like that' has a social skill that protects them for life. JASPER, a play-based approach that focuses on joint attention, play, engagement and regulation, is one example of a programme built around these early social foundations.

Play is where children practise being with others, so it is where good programmes spend much of their social teaching time. The starting point is what your child already enjoys. A child who loves spinning wheels might begin by taking turns spinning a toy car with the therapist; a child who loves numbers might count stairs with a cousin. Joining the child's world first makes it far more likely they will let you in.

From there, the adult slowly widens the play: adding a new action, inviting a sibling, introducing a simple game with clear rules. Structured games such as Ludo, snakes and ladders, carrom and catch suit many autistic children because the turns and rules are clear. Pretend play, such as cooking in a toy kitchen or running a pretend shop, builds flexibility for children who are ready for it.

Natural environment teaching and pivotal response treatment are the ABA methods most often used for this, because they work inside play rather than at a table. Practice with siblings and cousins at home, at a family function or during the festival holidays counts too, as long as the child is enjoying it.

For many children, recess and the lunch break are the hardest part of the school day. There are no clear rules, the noise is high, games change fast, and the adults are often busy elsewhere. A child who manages well in class can end up alone at the edge of the playground, or in trouble for grabbing a ball.

With the school's agreement, an ABA plan can include recess goals, and a shadow teacher working to the ABA plan can help in the early weeks: suggesting a game, helping the child ask to join, encouraging a classmate or two, and then stepping back so the child is not always playing with an adult. Fading that support is part of the plan from the start.

Classmates matter as much as the child. Social difference works both ways, and children who understand a classmate's differences often find it easier to include them. The guide to explaining differences to classmates has ways of doing this with or without naming a diagnosis. Small structures help too: a quiet recess option in the library, a lunch-table buddy to share tiffin with, or a regular game the child already knows.

Friendship does not have to look like the class birthday party list. For some autistic children it means one good friend who shares a passion for trains, cricket scores or a video game. For others it means playing alongside someone without much talk, a cousin they see every summer holiday, or a friend met through a hobby class. Many autistic children also need time alone to recover after social time, and that is not a problem to fix.

Watch for your child's own signals of what they want. Do they hover near a game, talk about a classmate at home, or seem lonely? Then social goals can help them get there. Do they seem content and calm with a small circle? Then pressure to be more sociable may do more harm than good. Your child's happiness is better evidence than the number of friends they have.

Read the social goals in your child's plan and ask a few questions of each one. A good analyst will welcome them.

• Who chose this goal, and does my child, in their own way, want it?
• Will it help my child get something they want, or does it mainly make others more comfortable?
• Would an autistic adult see it as respectful?
• Is it taught through play and real situations, or only through drills and scripts?
• Is my child happy in these sessions, and are signs that they want to stop noticed and respected?
• How will we know it is working in real life: at home, at family functions and at school?

If a goal fails these questions, ask for it to be rewritten. Goals can and should change as your child grows and tells you more about what they want.

Special Minds provides BCBA-supervised ABA therapy at home, at school with the school's agreement, online and at a centre, with goals written with your family. For recess and classroom goals, we can also introduce a shadow teacher who carries the analyst's plan into the school day. Read more on the ABA therapy in India hub or the ABA therapy at school page.